Introducing Positively Divorced: Yes Really

The first sentence is always a difficult one to write so I’m just writing what comes into my head in order to break the silence and get over the intimidation of a blank page……

Good that’s done.

I’m divorced. Shout out. I’M DIVORCED. Decree absolute heard in court and signed off. I’m single, not married, un-married, a ms, a miss, divorced.

I’ve know I’ve been rather silent these past few weeks. I was ill and had to miss Cybermummy and quite frankly at the same time, thought I was going slightly crazy. I’ve had to put all my effort into appearing to be sane for the sake of my friends and family when inside I was cracking up and feeling like I just couldn’t take the immense feeling of pressure.

Physically my body aches, I’m tired, I feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities. I have moments of sheer joy followed by a plunge into depths of self doubt and despair. My gut twists and turns. I’m hungry. I’m full. I’m satiated. I could start all over again.

I’ve been lied about, lied to, lied for, lied. Lied in bed, lied on the sofa, lied in the sun.

I’m new. I’ve changed my name. I’m no longer Mrs…. Just a meaningless Ms but a Ms by my choice. Perhaps an unimportant facet to the greater good but finally, I’m a product of my own choices rather than someone else’s expectations of me.

7 months later I’m a new person. To an outsider I’m still PD. I still have my hang-ups. My moments of depression. Of feeling helpless. Battling the depression and inclination towards self harm that plague my thoughts when the going gets tough.

Being treated like the same old PD by people who have known me for a long time. I know I’m not her anymore. I’m better, stronger and even more bloody scared by life.

Tomorrow I sign the lease for my new flat in Brighton and I get the keys on Monday. I’ve rented a desk space at an office in Brighton and have a couple of new clients on board. As a result I’m no longer on income support – TFFT. I’ve paid 6 months rent in advance which gives me 6 months to make my business work. After that…who knows.

I’m wiser. More naive. I’m happy. I’m pissed off. I’m confused. I’m clear. I’m full of cliches! But if anyone tells you getting divorced is easy these days – FO it aint. It’s hard. I’ve had to swallow my pride and watch my children suffer as a result. I’ve put on a brave face when all I’ve wanted to do is visit Beachy Head. I’m fed up. I’m ecstatic. I’m not sure what happens now….

But I’m most Positively Divorced.